Fallen
by Merry2BLost
Summary: Song Fic Post Exodus 3 Charlie faces himself and comes up wanting. Thanks to Sarah McLachlan for saying what I can't. Enjoy! Rated K for drug use and references


**Fallen**

_Heaven bend to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire  
Be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight_

Charlie grasped the blue and white statue and shook the contents into his hand. The small plastic packets landed on his palm and piled up into a brown pyramid. He raised and lowered his hand quickly to even it out across his palm. The packets bounced softly against his skin and he stared at them with hunger and disgust.

_Truth be told I've tried my best  
But somewhere along the way  
I got caught up in all there was to offer  
And the cost was so much more than I could bear_

He looked around the cover he had found in the jungle. Rain was lightly falling and it gave sheen to the surrounding plants. He cocked his head for any sound of approaching footsteps and heard nothing. He thought of Claire sleeping back at the caves holding on to her child for dear life. He thought of what she would think if she saw him here, holding this poison in his hand. This poison that gave him life, or what he used to think of as life. He closed his hand around the heroin and brought his fist to his forehead. What was he doing?

_Though I've tried, I've fallen…  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so…_

All he wanted was the pain to stop. His wound throbbed on his forehead. The ache in his soul would never go away, no matter how hard he tried to medicate it. He thought his love for Claire would take it away, but it had only dulled it. He wanted not to care. He yearned for the sweet oblivion that the drugs provided. His head tried to tell him that he didn't need it, but his body would not agree. He opened his hand and grabbed one of the packets with his other hand. The rest he pushed into the pocket of his jeans. He pulled at the rubber band that held the packet closed and the brown powder spilled into his palm. He stared at the drug and thought back to how it had all started. He had just wanted to be like his big brother…

_We all begin with good intent  
Love was raw and young  
We believed that we could change ourselves  
The past could be undone  
But we carry on our backs the burden  
Time always reveals  
The lonely night of morning  
The wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
That I have held so dear_

He pushed the powder with his index finger and flattened it out against his skin. He took the tip of his finger and ran it over his upper gum. First the tingle and then the numbness, yeah that's what he remembered. He brought his face down to his hand and held a finger against one nostril. When he inhaled the full force of the heroin blasted into his senses. The initial sting of it against the nasal membranes gave way to the euphoria he had missed so much. He closed his eyes and leaned against the tree behind him. How could anyone not want to feel this way he thought.

_I've fallen…  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell me I told you so…_

When he opened his eyes, he looked back down at his hand. There was still some powder sprinkled on his palm. He licked it off with his tongue. The sweet numbness kicked in again and he slid down to the ground against the tree trunk. He sat there running his tongue over his teeth and gently knocking his head against the rough bark. At that moment he didn't care about the island, about the monster, about "others," – he dropped his head to his chest – about Claire or about Aaron. Charlie was thinking about Charlie – living inside his own head, letting the drugs wash over him like a healing wave.

He knew he had to get back to the caves – people would start to miss him. He couldn't let them come looking for him, so he pushed himself off the ground and looked around again. Nobody there. Good. He absently patted his pocket and started back – home.

_Heaven bend to take my hand  
Nowhere left to turn  
I'm lost to those I thought were friends  
To everyone I know  
Oh they turn their heads embarrassed  
Pretend that they don't see  
But it's one missed step  
One slip before you know it  
And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed_

"Charlie! There you are. Where have you been?"

He looked at the woman he loved and immediately dropped his eyes. He couldn't let her see the glazed eyes and the red-rimmed nose.

"Just out to the loo." He said trying to walk past her to the back of the cave. She wouldn't let him. She insisted on giving him a hug and he tried not to shiver in her embrace. She looked up at him with concern but he just kissed her hand and continued on his journey into the darkness of the cavern.

He slid against the wall and laid back his head against the cold stone. With eyes closed he continued to enjoy the incredible lightness of being the powder still gave him. He smiled at the feeling. The realization of what he was doing had not hit him yet and when it did there would be no time for smiles. Only pain and tears – again.

_Though I've tried, I've fallen…  
I have sunk so low  
I have messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come round here  
And tell I told you so…_

**_(Fallen – Sarah McLachlan)_**


End file.
